Tag Archives: Life

Lost in search

18 Mar

I find this song truly real and its in-depth story about what’s happening in the world told really well lyrically and musically.. British singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran does a great job for this debut single.

The A Team- Ed Sheeran

White lips, pale face
Breathing in snowflakes
Burnt lungs, sour taste
Light’s gone, day’s end
Struggling to pay rent
Long nights, strange men

And they say
She’s in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since 18
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries

And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
Cos we’re just under the upperhand
And go mad for a couple of grams
And she don’t want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland
Or sells love to another man
It’s too cold outside
For angels to fly
Angels to fly

Ripped gloves, raincoat
Tried to swim and stay afloat
Dry house, wet clothes
Loose change, bank notes
Weary-eyed, dry throat
Call girl, no phone

And they say
She’s in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since 18
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries

And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
Cos we’re just under the upperhand
And go mad for a couple of grams
But she don’t want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland
Or sells love to another man
It’s too cold outside
For angels to fly
An angel will die
Covered in white
Closed eye
And hoping for a better life
This time, we’ll fade out tonight
Straight down the line

And they say
She’s in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since 18
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
They scream
The worst things in life come free to us
And we’re all under the upperhand
Go mad for a couple of grams
And we don’t want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe we fly to the Motherland
Or sell love to another man
It’s too cold outside
For angels to fly
Angels to fly
To fly, fly
Angels to fly, to fly, to fly
Angels to die

Every man dies. Not every man really lives.William Wallace


Delete your old emails and cheers to 2012

3 Jan
So the new year has violated a my rights of youth to remain young forever. Again premature mid-life crisis sets in a bit too fast.
I suppose it’s a part of life; horrific aging. Life is beautiful nonetheless..bipolar syndrome.
Anyway I’ve made a big decision in my life. To delete all my old emails and junk mails, without considering what I might want to keep. Ha!!
It’s been compiling for too long. I’ve hit 2,019 unread mails, thinking that yeah, I might need one of those some day.
It was soooo hard to let go, but it had to be done, throw away whats not needed(still a bit skeptical) and let the new come in. I’ve been saying that but this time I won’t let junks be left to accumulate. It does reflect how your life is somehow, you know emails and all…

I had slight problem looking for the DELETE ALL INBOX MAIL AND REFRESH YOUR LIFE button, and I finally found out how to do it.

Image representing Gmail as depicted in CrunchBase

1. Go to Inbox
2. Tick the checkbox on the top left (all messages should get ticked or selected)
3. Then right in the middle of the Inbox ABOVE the FIRST MESSAGE, click on “Select all conversations”
4. Press Delete button at the Left Top Corner among other main links.
5. Go to Trash and select ALL
6. Go to the centre of the Inbox above the FIRST MESSAGE and click on Empty Trash Now.
Your done!!


Image representing Yahoo! as depicted in Crunc...

For YAHOO it was a bit harder to figure it out. The one thing I find annoying about Yahoo is when u click into a mail, and when you delete it, it directs you straight back to your next email(which you might not want to read yet), instead of directing you back to your inbox home page like Gmail.

So to delete all emails in one go:

1.Go to your INBOX Homepage.
2. On the top of all your messages where the function and toolbar are ie.(Compose message, Delete message, Forward Spam…etc.)
Click the below


4.Go back to your INBOX.
5. Tick the Checkbox(All) and press DELETE














Now all your emails are deleted!!

You are a new person now, look in the mirror and say it 3 times, with conviction.

“I am a new me, I am created as I should be and I love me, No one can make me feel inferior! Except my mom…” ok the last part wasn’t necessary. But feel happy to be yourself and be happy that every year is a new year, new opportunities considering of course there will be hard times, but it’s all necessary to help us become better people, to become stronger and wiser in the midst of crisis, to make a difference in the world. Have an open heart for as I once was told:

“the worst prison is a closed heart..”

and of course another one to remind my bitter self:

” Aging not an option, maturing is.”

a Fowl play…

19 Apr

I stared at the winsome birds

Such distinct colours that blended so profoundly,

Colours touching more than the sight that it resonated its words to me,

“How could anyone know what colours would fuse together so delightfully?”

Ravishing my every heed,

I gazed in awe of such a tiny thing,

If I were that bird, could I in such bliss sing?

Could my other feathered ones sing the songs I bring?

Would I still have a desolate heart though the frolicsome fleet around?

Or maybe I wouldn’t have so big a heart to fill or feel,

& I wouldn’t have to fall for something inane,

A futile affection.

Random links which don’t make sense:

A Horror film

“Dear time, please take a break while I recuperate”

25 Jan

A new year is here, its 2011, time flies as swift as a falcon on a blackbird jet plane, it’s insane. Well we all have to grow old, graciously. Gracious would be the word to be kept for all who can’t accept the gravitational forces of nature, sometimes I do have this premature midlife crisis going through my mind, “but don’t worry my dear, you’d probably die young in a graceful posture on a fluffy pillow with sequins & embroidery, with a sweet smile across your face, legs daintily folded without a single pain felt”, is some weird naïve voice I hear at the back of my mind. Yes, death is as inevitable as much as the works of gravity, it’s whether I am living my life’s worth or not at this point, big wake up call, Hellooooo wakey wakey….

Last year was truly, I would say a year of purgation, maybe transformation to be exact. I never realized how much more we actually need to learn on this earth, it’s at that point when you think there’s nothing much you need that you could just be pushed down a cliff & realize how short your wings are, that you struggle to fly like a fowl, panting & squealing(I’m not sure if squealing is the word for birds that shout) for help.

There’s this quote(I’m too much a sucker for quotes) that goes something like : “Life throws at you a pebble now & then, but if we aren’t nudged by it, a humongous rock eventually has to fall on us.” & then you react to it maybe in one of these ways:

“Oh my gosh that was totally unnecessary, life sucks I hate everyone!”

“This really hurts what is happening, why does this have to happen to me”

“Why didn’t anyone ever tell me or guide me?”

“Ouch… ah well…”

The thing is, we never realize what we’re doing wrong therefore we do it over & over again because we’re so caught up with ourselves, our selfishness, our own hidden agendas, our pride. We seek for things, people, materials, using relationships even to satisfy that void within, ignoring the necessary in life, something that sets our beings, our souls free from that emptiness within. When we do that our souls suffer the consequences of the truth of life, we thirst for the reality of what we were made to desire, our souls that truly feel the lack of an inner peace, joy or hope, or could I say freedom.

What is freedom anyway? To do anything you like in your own perception & understanding? A person who chooses to smoke & drink anytime he likes is he really free? It seems to me that he is handcuffed by the addiction. My point is that to be able to do what you want in terms of the society, freely, doesn’t necessarily bring you a real kind of freedom; this freedom for me I would say can only come from within. To have an inner joy no matter what the circumstances. Sometimes we tend to be too dependent on things or even people on earth because we’re all looking for something to cling to, you hold them in your fists so tightly that it starts to sprain your joints, you lock yourselves in balls & chains, you start building a sphere of superficiality around you to keep you afloat. When all these which aren’t permanent start disappearing, you try to grab onto them, start chasing them & you submerge yourself & drown because you’re not willing to just let go & let  the natural law of physics bring you afloat.

We’re all looking for happiness; to understand eternal happiness I guess we have to come to accept that everything here now is temporary, nothing here is permanent, to have hope beyond this point in time & place. People come & go, some people accept you for who you are, some people try to, some just can’t.  I guess it’s just human nature. Some people leave a great impact in your life ; some just come to pound a hole on the wall of your spirit, some even came to pee on it, some came to hammer a nail onto your wall, but to hang a beautiful picture for you to see, some came to dust the cobwebs out or paint colours on it. But the ugly truth we all have to face is, that the only thing we have to deal with first rather than with everyone else or anything else is, ourselves, our broken or so-called ugly selves whom we try to hide; all the pounding, the pee, the hammering & drilling, the pictures hung, served as great life lessons; how to clean our walls when it’s dirty, how to cement the holes, how to appreciate the beauty of  pictures hooked onto the pounded nails. It is for us to know that in this vulnerability, we are still loved from the greatest love above.

This is one of the books that was of great help to the uplifting of my poor soul : )  a great simple read for all those tired from serving in a ministry. The name is frankly too direct for me but it’s a great life-changing read.


You can read a little of it on:


Exploring more than just the surface

22 Nov

Today is a Monday. Think it’s going to pour soon as the sky seems like a palette of melancholic dull.


Anyway, I was just back from Sabah on the 16th of November. Went back on a 10-day trip as mom could only come back KK during November as December the usual holiday leaves are given to the Singaporeans first, so I went back to be able to spend some time with her & family. Didn’t really travel much around, only going around eating & meeting old friends as it kept raining especially in the evenings, plans to go Kundasang (a highland in Sabah) and all had to be cancelled. I was really sad to leave KK so quickly, especially on the 16th as it was my brother’s birthday, the next day I quarreled with my sister, couldn’t get any better than this.

Boat rideAnyway, I managed to go island with my close friends back in KK which really made up for it all. Gosh, did I get some unneeded tanning, but the great thing about snorkeling is your face doesn’t get a lot of sun because you’re just drifting on the skin of the ocean, face down to adore the little creatures below our floating movements. So your face remains a little protected while the rest of your body changes into a colour a chameleon changes into when it drags itself along charcoal. Not a very even sight.

We went into a small boat, the size of origami boats I used to make (exaggerating is really necessary now). We reached the island, Pulau Sapi(Sapi in Malay language means cow). Why on earth was it named “Cow Island”? As far as I know the only cows I see are there were those who took up so much space on the picnic table and their underwears used  as a “reserved” note. But I guess it was named so because there used to be many cows around the island that swam from the city retreating from villagers that wanted to make steak out of them, honestly there are steakhouses just nearby the KK jetty. One of the dine pub there is Edgar’s, serve steaks as well but most people go there for Shisha, not really a fan so oh well.


My bestie & I were the ones on a furious excursion, snorkeling far away from the crowd, trespassing the safety line & fighting off fierce biting fishes. I would love to write such challenging life experiences but frankly we were just around 20 meters away from the crowd and the fishes only nibbled slightly, plus, they were quite friendly in truth. Albeit in all its safety, I was somehow scared of the fishes for a while, I was scared of what I couldn’t see or expect beneath the dark blue sea. What if the huge swordfish that we saw at the entrance suddenly charged towards us, what if there is a strong current and I happen to step on a sea urchin, what if a jelly fish stung us, what if I drowned to death (something which really couldn’t happen when you’re equipped with life jacket and snorkeling masks). My best friend held my hand, as we snorkeled together watching the tiny families beneath gliding through the fabric of our shadows. She led me a bit further and I followed, still running through my mind the risk of her getting stung by a man-eating jelly fish, & how I was to save her bringing her safely to shore. Continued until we bumped into little-not-so-lookalike Nemo, so wonderful, a little bit like an anemone fish just that its colour was in bright yellow against a bluish black, together with a few of his friends, as we stretched out our hands, to my surprise, they came closer, they were staring so intensely at me, one of them bounced towards me & I got a little stunned as I thought Nemo wanted to tear my life jacket open. But they were truly adorable. As we floated over their corals they couldn’t take their eyes of us. Despite all in its tranquility & beauty, still all the nonsense went through my mind, and suddenly it struck me, there was such great cowardice in such a mild situation, and my friend seemed so brave and protective, I was like a bravado, and she in her armour of dauntlessness, it was this great strength I always saw in her. Evening came & we took the same boat back, the boat ride was exhilarating as the waves were really not in their best behavior. I think the boat was overspeeding and we were in the air for a while as we hit the crest of the wave(and I thought the banana boat ride was over). We all shouted in excitement as a baby sitting across us looked all calm, making us look like morons. But that was the best ride I’ve had in such a long time; all of us squeezed together in the tiny motorboat, the rain assaulting us with coldness & the wave smacking us in the face, thunder roaring above & us making so much noise in the boat as the driver rushed to get us to shore before our boat capsized, us bursting into laughter together couldn’t make the trip more horrifically fantastic.

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Circle of life

4 Nov

This is my first ever blog started, don’t really know where to start, but I guess I’ll start from the recent happenings of a better turn-around point in life..here goes…

I went for a silent retreat late October, there were only a few of us youths from St. Thomas More Church, even less from few other churches, numbered up to around 15 of us or less, really wasn’t bothered at all by the small number, could concentrate way much better.

This retreat was about discerning, digging into your deepest desires and finding out your true purpose in life, cliche really but it’s something that I cannot help but want to really find as I believe that we’re all placed here on this torture-filled earth for a very specific reason, a true purpose that we could only realize through knowing our Creator, like an inventor, only he would know what his inventions were made for, but God is so much more than that inventor…

As I was walking around the retreat house, strolling, floating gracefully and silently(it was a silent retreat, supposedly, now I know my deepest desire is not to be a carmelite nun), I was shocked as I saw a bird just laying there, the worse part is, it didn’t fly away, and I realised it was pretty much dead already…

Tiny mouse dying

Thinking that was the end of the surprise, I was utterly shocked again as I passed by another mouse, seemingly breathing, but not moving..I thought in my head in this beautiful & serene place : “Oh my gosh what place is this!! can’t anyone be a little more courteous & not die in the middle of the walkway sheeshh this is freaking me out!!”  Because it was a silent retreat I could only shake my head like the indians do (the way they squeeze their fingers & thumb into a beak shape, place it on their head, and shake)..oh my gosh I was really shocked for a minute…just to make sure the mouse was dead I took my pinecone I collected and threw it at the mouse, it didn’t run. Post-mortem conclusion..it was breathing a little but dying.

It reminded me again that we all have to go one day, and whether we have found and fulfilled our purposes on this earth is something I really need to question myself at the end of the day, am I always putting my needs first and choosing to be bitter and being ignorant towards the wounds within me that has caused me to hurt others also, have I been living ignorantly chasing and demanding ambitions according to my own selfish intentions,  or am I really heading towards where I am supposed to journey. I believe this bird & this mouse themselves have done their duties on this earth, to balance the food and eco system. ( I have been very generous in helping out in the food cycle myself..*pats herself* )

We all have very limited time on earth & God has been gracious enough to give me more time to make amendments, as much as I sometimes hate the feeling of going through stupid struggles & pain on earth but I know there’s more to it, & He has granted me much experiences that only has helped & given birth to faith I’d never thought I had.  There were just too many valuable messages I got through this retreat as I was also stuggling emotionally with many hurts, past and present. I need to pick things up again, and really be determined and filled with passion to do things I should do again, what my heart has really been yearning inside to do but what my physical & mental part has been discouraging me from.

I really want to get things right, I feel so idle and weak at times, so vulnerable behind this face of smiles. I really need Him to mold me, the weaknesses I’ve often struggled with, especially emotional burdens I feel I carry alone at times that I feel many can’t really understand and relate to at times, really can drag my whole being down, and make me just want to stop what I truly intend to do from the core of my heart. I acknowledge my weaknesses, and I’m constantly begging for His mercy, strength & guidance, for His healing.  I might be scared at times what I might have to go through & face, I know I cannot do this alone, I don’t want to be alone.

Matthew 6:25
For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? “Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to to his life?

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