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Circle of life

4 Nov

This is my first ever blog started, don’t really know where to start, but I guess I’ll start from the recent happenings of a better turn-around point in life..here goes…

I went for a silent retreat late October, there were only a few of us youths from St. Thomas More Church, even less from few other churches, numbered up to around 15 of us or less, really wasn’t bothered at all by the small number, could concentrate way much better.

This retreat was about discerning, digging into your deepest desires and finding out your true purpose in life, cliche really but it’s something that I cannot help but want to really find as I believe that we’re all placed here on this torture-filled earth for a very specific reason, a true purpose that we could only realize through knowing our Creator, like an inventor, only he would know what his inventions were made for, but God is so much more than that inventor…

As I was walking around the retreat house, strolling, floating gracefully and silently(it was a silent retreat, supposedly, now I know my deepest desire is not to be a carmelite nun), I was shocked as I saw a bird just laying there, the worse part is, it didn’t fly away, and I realised it was pretty much dead already…

Tiny mouse dying

Thinking that was the end of the surprise, I was utterly shocked again as I passed by another mouse, seemingly breathing, but not moving..I thought in my head in this beautiful & serene place : “Oh my gosh what place is this!! can’t anyone be a little more courteous & not die in the middle of the walkway sheeshh this is freaking me out!!”  Because it was a silent retreat I could only shake my head like the indians do (the way they squeeze their fingers & thumb into a beak shape, place it on their head, and shake)..oh my gosh I was really shocked for a minute…just to make sure the mouse was dead I took my pinecone I collected and threw it at the mouse, it didn’t run. Post-mortem conclusion..it was breathing a little but dying.

It reminded me again that we all have to go one day, and whether we have found and fulfilled our purposes on this earth is something I really need to question myself at the end of the day, am I always putting my needs first and choosing to be bitter and being ignorant towards the wounds within me that has caused me to hurt others also, have I been living ignorantly chasing and demanding ambitions according to my own selfish intentions,  or am I really heading towards where I am supposed to journey. I believe this bird & this mouse themselves have done their duties on this earth, to balance the food and eco system. ( I have been very generous in helping out in the food cycle myself..*pats herself* )

We all have very limited time on earth & God has been gracious enough to give me more time to make amendments, as much as I sometimes hate the feeling of going through stupid struggles & pain on earth but I know there’s more to it, & He has granted me much experiences that only has helped & given birth to faith I’d never thought I had.  There were just too many valuable messages I got through this retreat as I was also stuggling emotionally with many hurts, past and present. I need to pick things up again, and really be determined and filled with passion to do things I should do again, what my heart has really been yearning inside to do but what my physical & mental part has been discouraging me from.

I really want to get things right, I feel so idle and weak at times, so vulnerable behind this face of smiles. I really need Him to mold me, the weaknesses I’ve often struggled with, especially emotional burdens I feel I carry alone at times that I feel many can’t really understand and relate to at times, really can drag my whole being down, and make me just want to stop what I truly intend to do from the core of my heart. I acknowledge my weaknesses, and I’m constantly begging for His mercy, strength & guidance, for His healing.  I might be scared at times what I might have to go through & face, I know I cannot do this alone, I don’t want to be alone.

Matthew 6:25
For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? “Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to to his life?

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