Archive | January, 2011

“Dear time, please take a break while I recuperate”

25 Jan

A new year is here, its 2011, time flies as swift as a falcon on a blackbird jet plane, it’s insane. Well we all have to grow old, graciously. Gracious would be the word to be kept for all who can’t accept the gravitational forces of nature, sometimes I do have this premature midlife crisis going through my mind, “but don’t worry my dear, you’d probably die young in a graceful posture on a fluffy pillow with sequins & embroidery, with a sweet smile across your face, legs daintily folded without a single pain felt”, is some weird naïve voice I hear at the back of my mind. Yes, death is as inevitable as much as the works of gravity, it’s whether I am living my life’s worth or not at this point, big wake up call, Hellooooo wakey wakey….

Last year was truly, I would say a year of purgation, maybe transformation to be exact. I never realized how much more we actually need to learn on this earth, it’s at that point when you think there’s nothing much you need that you could just be pushed down a cliff & realize how short your wings are, that you struggle to fly like a fowl, panting & squealing(I’m not sure if squealing is the word for birds that shout) for help.

There’s this quote(I’m too much a sucker for quotes) that goes something like : “Life throws at you a pebble now & then, but if we aren’t nudged by it, a humongous rock eventually has to fall on us.” & then you react to it maybe in one of these ways:

“Oh my gosh that was totally unnecessary, life sucks I hate everyone!”

“This really hurts what is happening, why does this have to happen to me”

“Why didn’t anyone ever tell me or guide me?”

“Ouch… ah well…”

The thing is, we never realize what we’re doing wrong therefore we do it over & over again because we’re so caught up with ourselves, our selfishness, our own hidden agendas, our pride. We seek for things, people, materials, using relationships even to satisfy that void within, ignoring the necessary in life, something that sets our beings, our souls free from that emptiness within. When we do that our souls suffer the consequences of the truth of life, we thirst for the reality of what we were made to desire, our souls that truly feel the lack of an inner peace, joy or hope, or could I say freedom.

What is freedom anyway? To do anything you like in your own perception & understanding? A person who chooses to smoke & drink anytime he likes is he really free? It seems to me that he is handcuffed by the addiction. My point is that to be able to do what you want in terms of the society, freely, doesn’t necessarily bring you a real kind of freedom; this freedom for me I would say can only come from within. To have an inner joy no matter what the circumstances. Sometimes we tend to be too dependent on things or even people on earth because we’re all looking for something to cling to, you hold them in your fists so tightly that it starts to sprain your joints, you lock yourselves in balls & chains, you start building a sphere of superficiality around you to keep you afloat. When all these which aren’t permanent start disappearing, you try to grab onto them, start chasing them & you submerge yourself & drown because you’re not willing to just let go & let  the natural law of physics bring you afloat.

We’re all looking for happiness; to understand eternal happiness I guess we have to come to accept that everything here now is temporary, nothing here is permanent, to have hope beyond this point in time & place. People come & go, some people accept you for who you are, some people try to, some just can’t.  I guess it’s just human nature. Some people leave a great impact in your life ; some just come to pound a hole on the wall of your spirit, some even came to pee on it, some came to hammer a nail onto your wall, but to hang a beautiful picture for you to see, some came to dust the cobwebs out or paint colours on it. But the ugly truth we all have to face is, that the only thing we have to deal with first rather than with everyone else or anything else is, ourselves, our broken or so-called ugly selves whom we try to hide; all the pounding, the pee, the hammering & drilling, the pictures hung, served as great life lessons; how to clean our walls when it’s dirty, how to cement the holes, how to appreciate the beauty of  pictures hooked onto the pounded nails. It is for us to know that in this vulnerability, we are still loved from the greatest love above.

This is one of the books that was of great help to the uplifting of my poor soul : )  a great simple read for all those tired from serving in a ministry. The name is frankly too direct for me but it’s a great life-changing read.

http://www.journeywithjesus.net/BookNotes/Henri_Nouwen_In_the_Name_of_Jesus.shtml

You can read a little of it on:

http://www.amazon.com/Name-Jesus-Reflections-Christian-Leadership/dp/0824512596/ref=zg_bs_173130_2

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