Archive | November, 2010

Music in all its poignancy

22 Nov

I love music, very much indeed, I discovered that at a very tender age of 5 I think, maybe even younger. My mom said I could pull a pavarotti with my whistle when I was about 3 or 4 years, definitely I’m making that up but the truth is I could whistle could you believe that! Such disposable talents…

But I brushed it off throughout the years, could be because I was never encouraged to take it seriously in a family that was competing so much academically with other families from mars & now I’m wishing I took music & piano just a bit more seriously…

These are some of the songs with depth & insights I could relate to, it’s nice to know that there are great artists around that produce more then music on sex, lust, fame, money that seems to amalgamate so much of secularism with the meaning of liberalism.

*Sigh*, anyway I’m a huge fan of Sara Bareilles‘ music & lyrics, I like how the music is composed along with her lyrics, though at times it’s hard to make out what she’s trying to say but I like how her thoughts & feelings are poured out into a bona fide song. In a long time I haven’t heard songs that I would enjoy so much or made me cry so much. That’s the poignant music I’m talking about. One of my favourites:

Breathe Again
Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn’t look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I would still call yours
All those words came undone and now I’m not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again
I’ll breathe again

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can’t carry anymore
All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again

It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?

All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching….

So much pain when you love someone so much yet you know that you can’t be with the person anymore, or that you have to let him go due to reasons or fate.

This part really breaks my heart :’ S

“Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can’t carry anymore”


“It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?”

To love someone really comes with so much pain that sometimes seems unbearable, you struggle to breathe, as each & every single breath taken hurts, & you’re dying to relive that breath of memories with him. But somehow you need to learn to let go, & know that one day you’ll breathe again…

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.”- Angela Monet


Exploring more than just the surface

22 Nov

Today is a Monday. Think it’s going to pour soon as the sky seems like a palette of melancholic dull.


Anyway, I was just back from Sabah on the 16th of November. Went back on a 10-day trip as mom could only come back KK during November as December the usual holiday leaves are given to the Singaporeans first, so I went back to be able to spend some time with her & family. Didn’t really travel much around, only going around eating & meeting old friends as it kept raining especially in the evenings, plans to go Kundasang (a highland in Sabah) and all had to be cancelled. I was really sad to leave KK so quickly, especially on the 16th as it was my brother’s birthday, the next day I quarreled with my sister, couldn’t get any better than this.

Boat rideAnyway, I managed to go island with my close friends back in KK which really made up for it all. Gosh, did I get some unneeded tanning, but the great thing about snorkeling is your face doesn’t get a lot of sun because you’re just drifting on the skin of the ocean, face down to adore the little creatures below our floating movements. So your face remains a little protected while the rest of your body changes into a colour a chameleon changes into when it drags itself along charcoal. Not a very even sight.

We went into a small boat, the size of origami boats I used to make (exaggerating is really necessary now). We reached the island, Pulau Sapi(Sapi in Malay language means cow). Why on earth was it named “Cow Island”? As far as I know the only cows I see are there were those who took up so much space on the picnic table and their underwears used  as a “reserved” note. But I guess it was named so because there used to be many cows around the island that swam from the city retreating from villagers that wanted to make steak out of them, honestly there are steakhouses just nearby the KK jetty. One of the dine pub there is Edgar’s, serve steaks as well but most people go there for Shisha, not really a fan so oh well.


My bestie & I were the ones on a furious excursion, snorkeling far away from the crowd, trespassing the safety line & fighting off fierce biting fishes. I would love to write such challenging life experiences but frankly we were just around 20 meters away from the crowd and the fishes only nibbled slightly, plus, they were quite friendly in truth. Albeit in all its safety, I was somehow scared of the fishes for a while, I was scared of what I couldn’t see or expect beneath the dark blue sea. What if the huge swordfish that we saw at the entrance suddenly charged towards us, what if there is a strong current and I happen to step on a sea urchin, what if a jelly fish stung us, what if I drowned to death (something which really couldn’t happen when you’re equipped with life jacket and snorkeling masks). My best friend held my hand, as we snorkeled together watching the tiny families beneath gliding through the fabric of our shadows. She led me a bit further and I followed, still running through my mind the risk of her getting stung by a man-eating jelly fish, & how I was to save her bringing her safely to shore. Continued until we bumped into little-not-so-lookalike Nemo, so wonderful, a little bit like an anemone fish just that its colour was in bright yellow against a bluish black, together with a few of his friends, as we stretched out our hands, to my surprise, they came closer, they were staring so intensely at me, one of them bounced towards me & I got a little stunned as I thought Nemo wanted to tear my life jacket open. But they were truly adorable. As we floated over their corals they couldn’t take their eyes of us. Despite all in its tranquility & beauty, still all the nonsense went through my mind, and suddenly it struck me, there was such great cowardice in such a mild situation, and my friend seemed so brave and protective, I was like a bravado, and she in her armour of dauntlessness, it was this great strength I always saw in her. Evening came & we took the same boat back, the boat ride was exhilarating as the waves were really not in their best behavior. I think the boat was overspeeding and we were in the air for a while as we hit the crest of the wave(and I thought the banana boat ride was over). We all shouted in excitement as a baby sitting across us looked all calm, making us look like morons. But that was the best ride I’ve had in such a long time; all of us squeezed together in the tiny motorboat, the rain assaulting us with coldness & the wave smacking us in the face, thunder roaring above & us making so much noise in the boat as the driver rushed to get us to shore before our boat capsized, us bursting into laughter together couldn’t make the trip more horrifically fantastic.

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Circle of life

4 Nov

This is my first ever blog started, don’t really know where to start, but I guess I’ll start from the recent happenings of a better turn-around point in goes…

I went for a silent retreat late October, there were only a few of us youths from St. Thomas More Church, even less from few other churches, numbered up to around 15 of us or less, really wasn’t bothered at all by the small number, could concentrate way much better.

This retreat was about discerning, digging into your deepest desires and finding out your true purpose in life, cliche really but it’s something that I cannot help but want to really find as I believe that we’re all placed here on this torture-filled earth for a very specific reason, a true purpose that we could only realize through knowing our Creator, like an inventor, only he would know what his inventions were made for, but God is so much more than that inventor…

As I was walking around the retreat house, strolling, floating gracefully and silently(it was a silent retreat, supposedly, now I know my deepest desire is not to be a carmelite nun), I was shocked as I saw a bird just laying there, the worse part is, it didn’t fly away, and I realised it was pretty much dead already…

Tiny mouse dying

Thinking that was the end of the surprise, I was utterly shocked again as I passed by another mouse, seemingly breathing, but not moving..I thought in my head in this beautiful & serene place : “Oh my gosh what place is this!! can’t anyone be a little more courteous & not die in the middle of the walkway sheeshh this is freaking me out!!”  Because it was a silent retreat I could only shake my head like the indians do (the way they squeeze their fingers & thumb into a beak shape, place it on their head, and shake)..oh my gosh I was really shocked for a minute…just to make sure the mouse was dead I took my pinecone I collected and threw it at the mouse, it didn’t run. Post-mortem was breathing a little but dying.

It reminded me again that we all have to go one day, and whether we have found and fulfilled our purposes on this earth is something I really need to question myself at the end of the day, am I always putting my needs first and choosing to be bitter and being ignorant towards the wounds within me that has caused me to hurt others also, have I been living ignorantly chasing and demanding ambitions according to my own selfish intentions,  or am I really heading towards where I am supposed to journey. I believe this bird & this mouse themselves have done their duties on this earth, to balance the food and eco system. ( I have been very generous in helping out in the food cycle myself..*pats herself* )

We all have very limited time on earth & God has been gracious enough to give me more time to make amendments, as much as I sometimes hate the feeling of going through stupid struggles & pain on earth but I know there’s more to it, & He has granted me much experiences that only has helped & given birth to faith I’d never thought I had.  There were just too many valuable messages I got through this retreat as I was also stuggling emotionally with many hurts, past and present. I need to pick things up again, and really be determined and filled with passion to do things I should do again, what my heart has really been yearning inside to do but what my physical & mental part has been discouraging me from.

I really want to get things right, I feel so idle and weak at times, so vulnerable behind this face of smiles. I really need Him to mold me, the weaknesses I’ve often struggled with, especially emotional burdens I feel I carry alone at times that I feel many can’t really understand and relate to at times, really can drag my whole being down, and make me just want to stop what I truly intend to do from the core of my heart. I acknowledge my weaknesses, and I’m constantly begging for His mercy, strength & guidance, for His healing.  I might be scared at times what I might have to go through & face, I know I cannot do this alone, I don’t want to be alone.

Matthew 6:25
For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? “Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to to his life?

Hello world!

1 Nov

I really don’t know where to start *scratch head*, still struggling a li’l bit trying to customize things in this blogsite…i’ll get it up & running soon..

Maybe I’ll start with the usual…

Hello world! welcome to my blogsite, I’m glad you accidentally clicked into my blog and if you did it on purpose then I think you’re as confused as I could be at times. Have a great day ahead and hope nothing embarassing happens to you today and if anything does, please kindly share so I’d feel relieved that I’m not the only one in this.”



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