Lost in search

18 Mar

I find this song truly real and its in-depth story about what’s happening in the world told really well lyrically and musically.. British singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran does a great job for this debut single.

The A Team- Ed Sheeran

White lips, pale face
Breathing in snowflakes
Burnt lungs, sour taste
Light’s gone, day’s end
Struggling to pay rent
Long nights, strange men

And they say
She’s in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since 18
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries

And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
Cos we’re just under the upperhand
And go mad for a couple of grams
And she don’t want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland
Or sells love to another man
It’s too cold outside
For angels to fly
Angels to fly

Ripped gloves, raincoat
Tried to swim and stay afloat
Dry house, wet clothes
Loose change, bank notes
Weary-eyed, dry throat
Call girl, no phone

And they say
She’s in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since 18
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries

And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
Cos we’re just under the upperhand
And go mad for a couple of grams
But she don’t want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland
Or sells love to another man
It’s too cold outside
For angels to fly
An angel will die
Covered in white
Closed eye
And hoping for a better life
This time, we’ll fade out tonight
Straight down the line

And they say
She’s in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since 18
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
They scream
The worst things in life come free to us
And we’re all under the upperhand
Go mad for a couple of grams
And we don’t want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe we fly to the Motherland
Or sell love to another man
It’s too cold outside
For angels to fly
Angels to fly
To fly, fly
Angels to fly, to fly, to fly
Angels to die

Every man dies. Not every man really lives.William Wallace


Feeling…ow wow wow feelings

10 Feb

Did St. Valentine exist? Find out more.

Apparently the origin of Valentine’s day remains obscure to this day. It has been deleted from the Roman Catholic Calendar of Saints in the General Roman Calendar .

Other than the knowledge of his burial was on the Via Flaminia on the 14th of February, nothing much is known of St. Valentine.

Valentine ’s Day has been conceived very much a day of fanaticized romanticism, a day of sweet words and chocolates tantalizing one’s desire to be utterly spoilt in the mood of love. Love, sweet sweet love. Always forgotten that most chocolates sold in the market has only  a small percentage of pure chocolate, with its milk and sugar content making 70-90% of each delectable bite you take. I had pure chocolate before, and it is bitter to the bittergourd’s evil twin’s core core. An acquired taste they say. The sweet taste of pure chocolate, as what is commercially channeled to the consumers, is really not so delectable after all.

And so it is with love. The bitter truth is that, it is not as sweet as people usually expect it to be. Does it mean it’s just mindless pain and something just plainly horrible? I think I will take an example from something less obvious than bittergourd which has tons of health benefits; known to treat and prevent Malaria, has cardioprotective effect, helps increase insulin sensitivity for diabetes and the list goes on. I guess bittergourd is a good example after all. I’m not exactly sure why but most food that aren’t so enticing to the taste buds are good for you, food which takes a whole new sense of gustation to be digestible.

I’ve been seeing this verse a lot but haven’t seen it in this perspective till now: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might…” from many books of the bible.

I suppose this realisation made me think of what the verse was trying to translate, that Love is NOT JUST a feeling, but it takes all your soul, all your heart and might to love. It takes your mind, heart and will power to direct your feelings, and not the other way around. It takes great courage and commitment to do what is right. As one of our priests always advocates that love is more than butterflies in your stomach,  it takes much more than emotional and “feel good” dependencies. It is true when he says songs like Love is All Around Us, originally sung by the The Troggs, and covered by Wet Wet Wet (Seriously?) that revived this oldie, presents exactly that love is associated only with feelings.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.
Well love is all around me, and so the feeling grows.
It´s written on the wind, it´s everywhere I go.
So if you really love me, come on and let it show.

You know I love you, I always will.
My mind’s made up by the way that I feel,
there´s no beginning, there´ll be no end
cause on my love you can depend.

How can you say that I can depend on your love, if your mind is made up by the way that you feel, and that feelings consistently change and emotions irrational most of the time. I didn’t mean to be annoyed by the song but I was almost offended upon reading that verse where he gives an impossible promise in the heat of his feelings. Songs like Colbie Caillat’s Bubbly somehow doesn’t seem as sweet and adorable anymore.

The rain is falling on my window pane
but we are hiding in a safer place
under covers staying safe and warm
you give me feelings that I adore

C: It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
I always know
that you make me smile 
please stay for a while now
just take your time 
where ever you go

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what Pope John Paul II’s message to the youths on the 19th World Youth Day.

“Dear friends, if you learn to discover Jesus in the Eucharist, you will also know how to discover him in your brothers and sisters, particularly in the very poor. The Eucharist received with love and adored with fervour becomes a school of freedom and charity in order to fulfil the commandment to love. Jesus speaks to us in the wonderful language of the gift of self and of love so great as to give our own life for it. Is that an easy thing? You know very well that it is not! It is not easy to forget our self, but if we do, it draws us away from possessive and narcissistic love and opens us up to the joy of a love that is self-giving. This Eucharistic school of freedom and charity teaches us to overcome superficial emotions in order to be rooted firmly in what is true and good; it frees us from self-attachment in order to open ourselves to others. It teaches us to make the transition from an affective love to an effective love. For love is not merely a feeling; it is an act of will that consists of preferring, in a constant manner, the good of others to the good of oneself: Greater love has no man than this, that a man lays down his life for his friends” (Jn 15:13).

We do not eat like kids anymore.

We do not eat like kids anymore

Although feelings do play a role in love to a certain extent, it shouldn’t be the head gear and leading force in it. C.S. Lewis quotes that feelings come and go, and another quot by Thich Nhat Hanh, “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”  Our feelings are temperamental and can change like the weather.

Every unselfish act upon reasonable thought and contemplation of preferring a greater good for another and also yourself despite the pain that one might have to go through in the process of it, is love, although not yet fully divine. A young friend posted on his facebook: “Love, without suffering is but an illusion”. A very interesting thing to think about.

This suffering isn’t masochistic or morbid in anyway (it can seem so short-term) but it’s a joyful suffering. I do not favour bittergourds in anyway but this brings me back to the example of bittergourds vs. diabetic content in comercial chocolates., let’s just call it candy for now. Obviously bittergourd doesn’t taste great but its health benefits are amazing per se, candy on the other hand is more appealing to the tastebuds, or for instance, fast food and instant noodles, they leave you craving for more. In the long run, you know which one gives you smoother skin, cancer-fighting phytos, better digestion, better eye sight, leaner muscles, height, abs, longer legs, longer eyelashes, better metabolism, perfect hair that bounces lightly as the wind brushes through and etc. (I’m not exactly a nutritionist but I would like a vegetable that would give all that goodness to me in one bite).

On a more serious note, such suffering has contemplative hope and sees the greater joy in it rather than a selfish act of satisfying momentarily one’s lust or desires, in consideration of what’s best for both parties. I suppose that’s how it is with singlehood as well, accepting whatever you’re called to and not waiting in desperation for the “right one” to come along. If you constantly are searching in desperation, believe me you’re going to end up pouncing on any “faeces-hole” that comes by, so much blinded by your emotions and waiting for someone to fill that despair in your life. This blog gives a great insight on living a vocation of (1) marriage, and (2) dedicated virginity or celibacy–a committed single state. Check out this site on vocations.

I hope I’ll never be too caught up on the ideals of fantasies, gifts and romanticism (although all these shouldn’t be left out as expression of love has to be active, gifts are nice…hehehe), it’s been tiring to ponder upon the underlying meaning of love, I know that it is not a fleet of feelings, but a long-term commitment with a capital C, (C for Commitment and not Chocolate, chocolate…chocolate…mmmmm) to offer what’s best for your loved ones. Be it if you’ve chosen singlehood or marriage.

Just to digress a little, you can get free Valentine’s Day wallpapers HERE for your desktop,iphone or Androids. 🙂

“For love is not merely a feeling; it is an act of will that consists of preferring, in a constant manner, the good of others to the good of oneself…”- John Paul II

Half Empty

15 Jan

Click Five-
Ben Romans
Ethan Mentzer
Joe Guese
Joey Zehr
Kyle Patrick

The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, The Cars, ELO, Weezer.



Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn’t think I’d miss her
That much
I want to fill this new frame
But its emptyTried to write a letter
In ink
Its been getting better
I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we’re trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we’re torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We’re empty

And I’ve even wondered
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we’re trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we’re torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We’re empty



Delete your old emails and cheers to 2012

3 Jan
So the new year has violated a my rights of youth to remain young forever. Again premature mid-life crisis sets in a bit too fast.
I suppose it’s a part of life; horrific aging. Life is beautiful nonetheless..bipolar syndrome.
Anyway I’ve made a big decision in my life. To delete all my old emails and junk mails, without considering what I might want to keep. Ha!!
It’s been compiling for too long. I’ve hit 2,019 unread mails, thinking that yeah, I might need one of those some day.
It was soooo hard to let go, but it had to be done, throw away whats not needed(still a bit skeptical) and let the new come in. I’ve been saying that but this time I won’t let junks be left to accumulate. It does reflect how your life is somehow, you know emails and all…

I had slight problem looking for the DELETE ALL INBOX MAIL AND REFRESH YOUR LIFE button, and I finally found out how to do it.

Image representing Gmail as depicted in CrunchBase

1. Go to Inbox
2. Tick the checkbox on the top left (all messages should get ticked or selected)
3. Then right in the middle of the Inbox ABOVE the FIRST MESSAGE, click on “Select all conversations”
4. Press Delete button at the Left Top Corner among other main links.
5. Go to Trash and select ALL
6. Go to the centre of the Inbox above the FIRST MESSAGE and click on Empty Trash Now.
Your done!!


Image representing Yahoo! as depicted in Crunc...

For YAHOO it was a bit harder to figure it out. The one thing I find annoying about Yahoo is when u click into a mail, and when you delete it, it directs you straight back to your next email(which you might not want to read yet), instead of directing you back to your inbox home page like Gmail.

So to delete all emails in one go:

1.Go to your INBOX Homepage.
2. On the top of all your messages where the function and toolbar are ie.(Compose message, Delete message, Forward Spam…etc.)
Click the below


4.Go back to your INBOX.
5. Tick the Checkbox(All) and press DELETE














Now all your emails are deleted!!

You are a new person now, look in the mirror and say it 3 times, with conviction.

“I am a new me, I am created as I should be and I love me, No one can make me feel inferior! Except my mom…” ok the last part wasn’t necessary. But feel happy to be yourself and be happy that every year is a new year, new opportunities considering of course there will be hard times, but it’s all necessary to help us become better people, to become stronger and wiser in the midst of crisis, to make a difference in the world. Have an open heart for as I once was told:

“the worst prison is a closed heart..”

and of course another one to remind my bitter self:

” Aging not an option, maturing is.”

Food Brood- Sid’s Pub@Bangsar South

28 Nov

I really love good food and even if it tasted aweful, I wouldn’t mind so much if it were for free. But I guess I changed my mind after eating at a supposedly a nice chill out and food pub in Petaling Jaya with a  nice British Pub setting, Sid’s Pub-Bangsar South last night,  I am still holding onto tiny glimpse of hope that it was just a Sunday thing where the real chef was kidnapped and in an emergency case the pub owner asked his garderner to cook because I really remember the food tasting much better than yesterday, and the service..gosh, I would have been happy with self-service, with that look on the face of one of the waiters that served us, I promise you, he would have to pay YOU to serve you…for the 10% of service charge I paid, I felt I was paying for bitter gourd.

Anyway. I had Sid’s Pork burger RM16, to add bacon or cheese and egg you have to add on RM2, the pork within the pork burger tasted ok but the burger was just dry and portion of fries were anorexic..I think I got thinner after eating really. There wasn’t any salad on the side with it which helped with even more with the dryness of the burger. The ketchup and chilli sauce were in packets when you could have them in bottles or refillable bottles( I’m quite fussy when it comes to environmental causes, and the idea of having to tear a packet one by one for ketchup in the shop is just pretty ridiculous especially when you have oily fingers your will to use the ketchup just deteriorates, and I personally think that is what they were trying to do). Gosh they’ve made me into such a cynic…

My friends had(price ranged from Rm16-30++):

Sid’s Hotdog RM8- Just a bun and hotdog.

Pork Vindaloo RM26- Fusion-Fries, pork cooked in curry with ONE tiny piece of Papadum. Rating: disappointing, meat was tough, tasted like just normal curry. Click here for recipe(the chef could use this link)

Sunday Roast Beef RM35- Disappointing, tasteless, tough and the gravy…Just did not help a bit.

Cauliflower and cheese soup RM8- tasted sour-ish. I thought it was yoghurt soup for a minute.

Green Peas and ham soup- Justin timberlake’s “Cry me a river” would have to go with this soup. Seriously it was the worst soup I’ve tasted in years.

Grilled Salmon- Dry and over cooked.

Sandwiches RM12- The usual.

Fries- they were okay and crispy at least. The one thing that had a bit of dignity in all we ate.

Strongbow -RM20 1pint

Heineken, Guinness- RM18 1pint

I think the only reason I would go there would be for the beer, fries and ambience.

I actually went online to see the reviews on it and I’m shocked people actually recommend the food there. It’s either a)We really went there on the wrong day(Sunday night) where I was hoping it was the proxy-adhoc gardener cooking, or b) the food is just really bad, or c)We have really bad taste in food…all 10 of us or d) All of the above. I will still go there on days where I just want some peace and quiet with just beer and fries for a change, other than that only a gun to my head might make me move…might…

Ah well..it was a farewell dinner for out beloved friends and at least we had good company and had a great time together! I will miss them dearly esp this sweet girl Gabby. Friends like her are one in a million. :’)

Coming back to food I guess once in a while you have to taste horrible before knowing what’s good. Having a change is necessary.

Sometimes this could be quite true:

“Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.”

-Bob Packwood

Heart Breaking Dawn

21 Nov

With new movie The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn coming up, most of my friends girls especially are really excited about it to a point it scares me that they seem very much into vampires and werewolves. Although I’m not really very into bloodsucking and all but I give huge thumbs up to the author Stephenie Meyer who made her dreams literally come true( yes she dreamt about vampires and really awakened to millions). That’s why sleeping is always a good thing, the first step to dreams.

I guess people really love this ….ghost movie… is out of the adoration of the love between Edward Cullen and Bella Swan being so strong and eternal that both are willing to die and sacrifice for each other, such love that we all do actually want or dream about.

Anyway my main point is the soundtrack itself by Christina Perri, “a thousand years”. She actually got a tattoo “bitten” below her wrist being a die hard fan of Twilight Saga….sheeshh..

I like this song.*)

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I’m afraid

To fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt

Suddenly goes away somehow

….One step closer

I have died everyday

waiting for you

Darling, don’t be afraid

I have loved you for a Thousand years

I’ll love you for a Thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything

Take away

What’s standing in front of me

Every breath, Every hour has come to this

…One step closer

I have died everyday

Waiting for you

Darling, don’t be afraid

I have loved you for a Thousand years

I’ll love you for a Thousand more

And all along I believed

I would find you

Time has brought

Your heart to me

I have loved you for a Thousand years

I’ll love you for a Thousand more

“If you say you have lost the love for someone, it’s the wrong understanding of love. For love in itself is eternal.”

I thought I saw a man

14 Nov

Missionaries of Charity/Kolkata/Calcutta whatchamacallit

4 Nov


This has long expired but I’ll write it out anyway. Info on direction, maps, accomodation and locations can be found within the long-winded text. You can contact me for a compiled info (eg. Things you need to take note of, before going to Calcutta).


It’s been 2 months since my trip back from Kolkata (Volunteering with the Missionaries of Charity). It was hard to find time to put it into words, so many things I would want to do but time flies like a G6.

Anyway the trip was just weirdly amazing, from the eyes of those who haven’t experienced this it would be hard to explain how transforming this trip was for me personally. It is different from a person who sees the forest from a distant then the person who actually goes through the shrubs and trees of the forest itself.

We decided to go to Kolkata(Me and my friends-Jess, Kenneth, Jo, Shirley and Josephine) after our last planning for it failed in 2009. I was surprised Jess our friend kept it in mind all this while and initiated the whole trip. So it was decided, 9-16th July was the date we rushed to buy our Airasia tickets online. Around RM340 I got my tickets, 2-ways can you believe it. I secretly laughed at Jo as he got his tickets for RM600+ (I can be quite evil >:P), another person who decided to come last minute, the last person I ever thought would come for this agonizing trip. We dedicated ourselves to prayer and adoration for 2months before this missionary trip, and I believe it was really fruitful.

Missionaries of Charity:


Just to share with you a bit of my experience over there…yes just a bit… :/

1st day was bad enough; we were divided into 2 taxis. Taxis there drove like they were auditioning for “Fast & Furious”, a real DUI experience. It was thrilling really, taxis and cars drove so closely to each other even air couldn’t slip through the gaps, honking was a wildly abused communication tool on the roads. The taxi dropped us at the side of some unknown road as he couldn’t find the place we were heading to- YMCA, Sudder Street. Despite not knowing the roads he demanded us to pay extra for the ‘extra mile’ he went. *sigh* . We crossed the highway to the opposite side of the road, trying to figure out where we were as we had no number to contact each other, suddenly we bumped into the other group and voila! We found YMCA! YMCA, Sudder Street, looked a bit old with staircase all the way up, it felt like their staircases had extra gravity when you walk up, seriously. A little shabby, but I would say the place was comfortable.

We had dinner at KARLO, not too far away from our place. Food there was ok..maybe it was not too good…Maybe tolerable…Honestly it was horrible.

YMCA, Sudder Street


  • 2nd day

Woke up at 7am or so. Wondering why no one was up yet. Then I realized my clock was still in Malaysian time (India is 2 hours behind Malaysia)…hilarious. I laughed myself back to sleep. Morning come, the room keepers knocked on our doors and I cursed them for a while, they wanted to serve us milktea, so I withdrew my curses. (YMCA actually served milk tea Chai in small paper cups, and breakfast is also served at the pantry, what a pleasant surprise). We went to Saint Anthony’s Church for mass. To our surprise, from the back of the pew there was a poster: “Don Bosco is coming to Kolkata”. His relic was coming to Kolkata(Don Bosco’s uncorruptible right hand). He is our patron saint for our Church youths back home in Malaysia. *)

What is a relic?



Relics throughout the world:


Who’s Don Bosco?



YMCA to St. Anthony’s-Direction


We dropped by Shishu Bhavan after mass, we met a sweet old lady with a motherly smile who gave us directions to Mother House. After that we headed to Parkstreet for a tour and to find food. Found nothing and the places seemed to be all closed. It was tiring to walk around like lost sheeps. Everyone was getting frustrated and I felt a little disappointed with how things were going, how we were travelling together and yet not really journeying with each other. Felt disconnected and that the journey was just tiresome. It was just plain mechanical. I went for confession that day for the things that were bothering me that brought me to the resentment within, and weirdly I was able to come to accept the differences in us all and things turned out differently as my view toward things slowly changed. It’s a really weird grace working somehow…

For dinner we ate at RANG MAHAL, food there was ok but wasn’t as cheap as it could get in Kolkata.

Shishu Bhavan(Children’s home in Bengali)


  • 3rd Day:

6am, we went to Mother House for mass. The sisters there sung beautifully, like the voices of angels, so pure and innocent. No riffs or runs, to ruin the beauty of a hymn that is sung from a beautiful heart. After a long time, I’m hearing true humility and worship being expressed through song. After mass we headed down to a small enclosed basement for breakfast. There were just too many volunteers from all over the country in one room, I have never felt such claustrophobic excitement before. We met Julie and Lily who were from America, a HUGE achievement out of being amazingly uncomfortable with the environment and people. We were given a pass to serve at Prem Dan (a home for the old women who were abandoned from begging on the streets to suffering from various illnesses mentally or physically).

We took a bus for the first time, 39A/2, stopped at Char Number Bridge and walked straight on to find Prem Dan. The slums along our journey were astounding. ‘Houses’ were made out of anything that was found amongst the trash. Such poverty they live in, and yet they show no self-pity, so focused on their work to survive. These people never chose to live like this, but God knows they can take such suffering, and His grace is poured out especially to these children who have nothing. It’s funny how we in the big cities have everything, and yet sometimes it’s like we have nothing.

We had lunch at Peter Cat (it’s too high-class a mission trip, don’t go there. *P)

Prem Dan


  • 4th Day (Tues)

Our first day of volunteering work at Kalighat Kalighat, the Home of the Pure Heart (Nirmal Hriday) [1](formerly Kalighat Home for the Dying) is a hospice for the sick, destitute and the dying inKalighat, Kolkata (Calcutta), India, established by Mother Teresa.


Woke up to a beautiful morning, hopped gleefully to the shower like little red riding hood, only to find out YMCA had no water. I burst out of my red riding hood suit like the Hulk. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! It could have happened but I chose to relax and go out of the room to find another pipe at least to brush my teeth. Don’t want to be the one who causes casualty at the hospice.

We attended mass at St. Anthony’s and they had veneration of the Bread, they gave out bread to the parishioners. As we walked out with the bread still in our hands, a skinny only lady came to us with outstretched hands, begging for money. We offered her the bread and she rejected it as though it were a scorpion we were offering. We were advised at the Mother House not to give money to these beggars as many of them have become dependent on it, turning it into their ‘profession’. I was thinking and slightly disturbed that these people are so much poorer than the actual beggars long before this in India, those who really out of no choice, starve and die. But these beggars are so much poorer in a way that they have lost the purity of need itself, turning it into an easier way to live out of taking advantage and not being to really see God in each help they receive. I’m not judging but I’m just sad that the poverty is so different, which made me think that really this world is really in so much more need to know God, to know what love truly is. I think I think too much but oh well.

As we were free that whole afternoon (Our work at Kalighat starts at 3pm), we offered to help out the sisters at the Mother House. Sister Mercy Maria (I don’t know if I got this correctly. She’s an American who speaks Spanish) earnestly tried to look for something we could do, and the feeling of it was not to make use of us but to really just make us feel at home (honestly we were scavenging for work, felt useless not doing anything). We worked with this nun from the Philippines who showed us how to stick Mother Teresa’s relic onto a card which was to be given out to public, encouraging people to ask her for intercession hoping that her beatification will be quickened. The sisters at the Missionaries of Charity or deeply devoted to Mother Mary and they rely constantly on her intercession in all they do, seriously while sticking the relics this sister just said, “can we pray?” I was expecting a short prayer and then she started with the Rosary prayer, praying so fluently through all the Mysteries. It was ingrained and their deep love and understanding on Mary’s role in the Church that really moved me, having a Crucifix and Rosary tucked to the drape of their white-sari habits at their waist, they constantly remind themselves of their vocation in God and the Mother of the Church who brings them closer to the heart of Christ.

In Kalighat, I was suddenly asked to feed a sickly, scrawny old man. Initially, honestly I wasn’t deeply compassionate, touched or whatsoever (the movie “IceQueen” was running through my head). As I was trying to feed this guy slowly who struggled to even swallow his mashed-up food, I was trying to persuade him all the way in vain. So I asked the sister next to me how do I say “You have to eat”. So I learned a new persuasion in Bengali “Tumi balo ba ba khalo”. (if I got it right). Trying to talk to him through sign language I think I ended up persuading or convincing most that I wasn’t too mentally stable. While feeding, I was a bit confused as this old man, lying on his bed still, slowly turned towards me, lifting his hands up to my shoulder, I continued with my relentless persuasion tactics and stopped…This guy lifted his arms to hug me and pat me in the back. Despite being so sickly, he was trying to show appreciation and care. I just felt truly loved by this person, who has nothing to offer, nothing to give, but a sincere loving hug. And then I was reminded how I didn’t how in the first place I had not much of compassion, reflecting back on a quote by Mother Teresa that my friend shared with me a few years ago that Love is not all about feeling, but it is in the action and choice of choosing to love and through that God gives you the capacity to receive love, so you can give it back to the World. This sick old man gave me more than I could ever give him.

On our way back home we took a tuk tuk(hehe took a tuk tuk). Tuk tuk= Auto-rickshaw.

This rickshaw guy we stopped spoke not a word of English, he took six of us in one rickshaw reluctantly, wanting to earn profit from us foreigners, and yet he was not able to communicate something to us before we took off. I felt something wasn’t really right; he stopped his rickshaw to ask some guy to translate his words to us. Then an uncle came by trying to mediate for us, and apparently this rickshaw driver wanted to explain to us that we would have to pay him more for taking a longer way as the other way had traffic police(surprisingly it was illegal to carry 6 people in a rickshaw, I didn’t know illegal existed in this place). This uncle was so nice to help us by asking us to come down from the tuk-tuk as it was a walking distance to YMCA from there. The rickshaw guy of course was unsatisfied, and vroomed off! Pheww!! Along the way we got to know this uncle a little more as he shared excitedly about his reason to come out that night even if he didn’t feel like it, his name-Michael Beach. His wife and daughter left him and since then he has been living alone, a sad story but there was only joy in his eyes and tone. We thanked him relentlessly, and prayed for him and for his daughter to be reconciled with him before we departed. This man showed so much love for us it was just amazing how people are sent into your lives for the smallest reasons.

We ended most of our nights with sharing and prayer together, and it was really engaging and full of soul as we poured out our thoughts and our feelings towards things, negative, bad, good or whatsoever. Every single thing in Kolkata was horrible, and yet renewing. A paradox hard to explain.

Emotions surfaced and I just felt and learned so much through every single thing, through every acquaintance. The love of the sisters here transforms you in such a way that is unknown to the conscious mind(now that I realise it, it’s not so unconscious anymore), how they gave up everything to serve in such a humble yet joyful way. We spoke to sister Merci on the last day of our work and she shared how she was a lapsed Catholic and how she was brought to her vocation starting from reluctantly going for adoration. She shared one thing that really struck me about Adoration: “Doesn’t matter if you believe in the sun or not, if you’re under the sun it will still heat you up and burn you. And just like God present in the Blessed Sacrament, whether you believe in it or not, He will transform you from the depths of our soul & heart.” Sister Merci also reminded me of how God has given us a calling and talent already, it’s just whether we choose to use it; like a garage we own, it is always there, it’s just a matter of if we make good use of it. I loved music since I was 8 or 9 years old, I hope it is what God really wills for me though hehe.

Anyway uncle Michael came looking for us again and brought us around. He is such a sweet old man who treated us all like his own children. We went to the Auxilium Parish to see Don Bosco’s relic. The procession for it was just grand and welcomed with a band of drums. One thing in Kolkata, people there give much reverence to the Saints. They use touch a lot for example, touching the feet of a holy person for blessing and touching relics etc.


We met this Irish teacher, Siobhán :Joan in english was her name if I’m not mistaken who experienced 4 deaths in a year of people close to her, she went to Kolkata alone just for missionary work. It’s great to see that people in spite of what they’ve gone through, they still serve as missionaries with so much joy and enthusiasm. This woman was another inspiring acquaintance. In the woman’s home there are people who were previously beggars, and till now still stuck in that mental state that they are suffering as beggars, reminds me of how we remain chained in our own thoughts, that even when a blessing comes we can be so caught up with our own selves playing victim.

There’s this child-like song I really love, we sing it before heading to work.

“We have our hope in Jesus x2

That all things, will be well x3

In the Lord.”

And with clapping hands

“We love you, love you, love you Lord x2

We love you, love you, love you from our hearts (all x2)

2nd and 3rd verse replace love by “miss” and “thank” consecutively.

It would’ve sounded better if you could hear the tune. 😐

Such innocence and child-like faith in a simple song.

There’s just too much to talk about till the 8th day. Too  inspired by Mother Teresa’s life, how she was so close to God that she knew what she was called to so specifically. She gave her best in the smallest thing she did, she suffered silently and gave her love so generously to everyone around. How is it possible that such a tiny woman, do so much or have so much love and compassion. What she has done throughout her life just doesn’t seem logical or possible to be achieved. What I took home with me, it’s in the little things that God continues to speak to us if only we would really listen, that love is not always about feeling but action, and to be truly happy is to do what God has a called us to.

I felt so attached to the place, the Mother House, the sisters, the people here, the missionaries we met, the mass here, the homes, all of these which I never expected to miss. And it has really been humbling, just being in such a so-called, dreadful place to be in.  Boredom or dullness within the mother house portrayed a deep inner beauty of souls just going about daily, doing what they’re called to do.  The annoyance, frustration, and lack of capacity to love, has not been taken away, but remoulded into something that you think will never be of any use, that no good can come out of such an ugly situation. And it did turn from an ugly looking thing to something out of the ordinary, a renewal internally. And here comes the pun… “I guess ugly is the new look”. *)

Mother HouseDon Bosco's relicRickshawSugar cane manual processingRegent Restaurant, CalcuttaMother Teresa's Tomb 




One moment gone

23 Aug

Back from Kolkata!!!!

19 Jul
We worked with the Missionaries of Charity

Kolkata-Missionaries of Charity

We (friends: Jessica Heng, Kenneth Chen, Josephine Tan, Joseph Wong, Shirley Ling) went on a mission trip from 9th July – 16th July. It was really an intriguing and a deep and personal renewal for all of us.

Some info for you guys:

Kolkatā (play /ˈklkʌtɑː/Bengali: কলকাতা, KolkatāIPA: [Kolkatā] ( listen)), formerly known as Calcuttā (/ɑːlˈɑː/) is the capital of the Indian state ofWest Bengal and a Gamma World City. Kolkata is the commercial capital of East India, located on the east bank of the Hooghly River.[5] The city of Kolkata has 4.5 million residents, and the metropolitan area, including suburbs, has a population of approximately 15.7 million, making it the third most populous metropolitan area in India and the 13th most populous urban area in the world. The city is also classified as the eighth largest urban agglomeration in the world.


My laptop isn’t functioning at the moment so will take a while to update on our mission trip to Kolkata. In the mean time this is a song to entertain or torture all of you. I used to laugh to this song when I was 10 or 12years old…how ironic that I ended up in one of his taxis.

I miss India, an intriguing place, so poor yet so much to offer, I miss the sisters, the people we met. They gave me more than I had to offer.

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